|
| I'm afraid of nothing. I'm not even afraid of nothingness. I'm not afraid of death. I'm not even afraid of life, which is in fact much more terrifying. I am alone. I am tired. I have been shifting drastically back and forth from elation to absolute despondency like some sort of mad man for the last couple hours, no my whole life. My life is no piece of art, more like a page torn from a pad. I am double minded sometimes, tearing myself apart. Or perhaps I am double minded, sometimes tearing myself apart. Nothing seems right sometimes. Nothing plays out like it should. My life is an endless knot, tearing, pulling, and leaving loose ends all about. Screws fall in and screws fall out and sometimes I find myself crawling the floor searching. I am slow. I am not good at the guitar, or singing, or writing songs. I am dirty. I am insecure. I smell bad and I don't care, I don't even want to change. I'm poor and I want to be poorer. My head's in the clouds. I focus on what I should not. I want what I do not. I judge what I am not, and what I am. But I am not afraid. I don't know what tomorrow will look like, I don't even know what today will look like. I might not make it wherever it is I think I'm going, I might not find whoever it is I think I'm looking for, I might not do whatever it is I think I need to do, but whatever the case I am not afraid. Perhaps no one will read this, perhaps no one will care. I'm not afraid. All these things and I will fall away and I am not afraid. Have a good morning friends. I don't know how anyone really sees me, but you can be sure not to believe I'm any tower of strength or shelter from any storm. I am no firm place to set your feet or some wall to hide behind as the shrapnel of life blows by, but this is what I have found. amen. | | |
| Sometimes I don't want to write anything. Part of it is laziness. Part of it is fear that it wont be good enough or that it wont be liked by the people who read it. Part of it is understanding that art and wisdom, which is an art, has no ultimate form, only styles and movements perceived through the perspectives of the perspective partakers. It makes you make your mark and sometimes it's hard to take it back. You put a piece of yourself out there and try as you might it can never really capture all or even part of who you are. Though it may not always be evident, the creator is always more beautiful and complex than the creation. But more than anything I keep silence because my voice is not the one to hear. I'm so sick of hearing the voice of the church, the voice of the movement, the voice of the masses, the voice of the organization, the voice of Shane Claiborne, the voice of Stephanie Tanner, the voice of the stranger, the voice of the scene, the voice of adam kizzia, even the voices of Ravi Zacharias Aaron Weiss and Naeem Fazal. I want to hear the voice of the Lord, the voice that speaks beyond what words can say. If you read what I write, through all my words, I hope that is the voice you listen for.
I feel like I know things and then I realise them. There are things I know to be true and could tell you with full honesty and conviction, but then something happens and it really hits me. It's an interesting time for me right now. I have glimpses of things on the horizon, but I can't quite make them out. Life can be that way often but I feel it especially now. Though I knew it I realised today my home is in God. It's not in a place, or a group, or a song. I forget that sometimes.
I know when and if you read the things I write some of you think I'm crazy. More of you think I'm immature or foolish and that's fine. That's what you think and I can only hope your opinion of me is completely shattered and I somehow come to terms with that. I believe we're all fools and with all due cynicism find almost, if not everything, I read, including that which I write, to be wreaking of meaningless garble and disheartened sincerity, but I've heard one voice I find to be worth hearing and that's what I want you to hear from me.
| | |
| Measuring freedom in what you can do is like measuring wealth in what you can buy; it holds a certain credence but when it really comes down to it there has to be more. I have a different idea of what it means to be poor. You don't need full hands to be rich and you don't need open spaces to be free.
I'm a little short on inspiration tonight. I don't see how, all things considered, but there are a lot of things I don't see. I'm somewhere between sunbeams and shadows, or maybe butterflies and bottomless coffee, actually I'm not quite sure where I am. I don't see a million footsteps. I don't see a billion raindrops dripping from a billion cheeks. I don't hear a thousand whispers or a trillion whimpers to stubbed toes and cold nights. When I see someone can I see past the moments that pass by my eyes? So many people in so many places all bearing more than I could ever really understand. Then I see the world all around me and the stars in the sky and the thoughts and things unseen. We are so small. With what little I may hold I have fumbled over and over again. Some people talk about self reliance, but I don't buy into that. I can't make in on my own, cliché as it may be it turns out I am only human. However, I can't rely on others, it turns out they are also just as human. Some people think God is the culmination of all life. I think when all life comes into one in its full splendor and mighty abundance we will then see God before us and we will be amazed. What does that mean all the way down here to these eyes and these hands? I'm not really sure, but I do know peace and hope, I've tasted a freedom and wealth that runs much deeper, and for all my wandering I pray I may pass the cup and share this. If I'm just crazy then I'm not alone in this crazy world, but I want to speak with a voice much bigger than my own. In the soundless awe and wonder words fall short to hope again, how beautiful how vast your love is new forever world without an end. | | |
| I can't describe to you just how much things are coming against me right now. You probably wouldn't want to hear all that whining anyway. All I want to do right now is curl up in a ball, close my eyes, and hope nothing comes my way. What can I say? I don't know if I'll be able to but all I'm going to do right now is keep going. I've taken too many things lying down. It may not yield anything, but I'm going to fight with everything I have to stay on my feet. aaaahhhhhh
| | |
| I take the time to fully and completely exhale my breath. I've done it
so I can really, really breath in. With all metaphors intact I feel the
breath of God fill me with life in its fullness. This is the way of
life I suppose. Each release will be equally as corrupt no matter how
hard I try. I pollute this world, and those around me can rely only
that I will give them death, but as I breath in I feel life fill my
veins once again. You want to know what I've seen and what I saw on the
road? I've seen all of us, most of all myself, naked, and strewn across
the road. It's not a pretty site to see. We can try to ignore it,
explain it, separate it from ourselves, but sooner or later our
strength gives out and we can't run any longer from the darkness of our
heart. Man is a single vessel, blood is on our hands, dirt is in our
nails, and that's the least of our worries, but nothing surprises God.
His eyes see. Eagles are called blind in the heavens. Our ashes are
turned to beauty our mourning returns joy and we are called to breath
in again. Our lives are like water spilled on the ground which can not
be recovered, but God does not take away life, but devises ways so the
banished one will not remain estranged to him.
Why all this talk about life after death? What of life before death?
In my breathing I see that I am fighting toward nothing, gaining no
ground, and as we often fear with life it is the same. I will not be
content to breath for it will one day end, but instead I will be
content, and continue to breath. With life it is the same. God, and his
love is the only place I find my peace. "For I am convinced that
neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor
things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in
all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in
Christ Jesus our Lord." | | |
|
